Party for One

I would not use the word optimist to describe me, but more of a "realist".  I ultimately do hope that the best outcome will happen (in any situation) but I do have to be real.   I do not dwell on what I do not have, how I do not look, what has happened to me in the past,  my childhood, what is or is not going to happen to me in the future or negativity. I was there one point in my life, but it took me a while to realize that that does not work. It really was not working out for me, and you know we all have ONE life, so make it the best that you can!  I feel and strongly believe that every experience we have there is a purpose, even if it is a hurtful/horrible experience, it is happening for a reason. Sometimes I think people get caught up in looking for those reasons and not just accepting that it has happened and move on.

That is where I am right now. When you go through fertility treatment, there is so much hope, and then so much let down, month to month. Yes I have not been on this journey for a LONG time, however, it really does take its toll on you. It has happened about once every month, that I throw myself a party!!! YAHOO!!!!!

No really, it is not the fun type of party you are thinking of, this my friends, is the party that we don't typically want an invite to, but you happen to be the only guest.... The Pity Party......  I begin to question Why me, poor me, this is never going to happen for us, why does she.... why does he.... etc etc..  The best one is IT IS NOT FAIR!!!! I could go on about the fairness card all night... But really, It is what it is.

 This does not happen to me often and it is usually very short lived (maybe 30 min) 

I am extremely grateful that I have a  supportive husband who really helps me out when I decide to throw myself the party. He is not usually invited, but the party tends to happen right where he is... He Always brings me back to the reality that I live and that I need to live.

My reality is that I have PCOS, and that approximately 50% of women with PCOS will not get pregnant. My reality is that I can give it all the time in the world and it may not happen. My reality is that I have some hormonal imbalances. My reality is that I am going bald. My reality is that I am overweight, and it is Extremely difficult for me to lose weight. My reality is that I may never reach my dream of being a mother and giving my husband a child.

And.........

My reality is having the opportunity to work a little harder to get to my dreams. My reality is that I am going to one of the best clinics in Canada. My reality is I have a super supportive Husband that is standing by me the whole way. My reality is that I have a really supportive friend who knows what I am going through. My reality is that I love myself. My reality is that I am dedicated and committed to make this happen.

My reality is that one day, I am going to make a damned good mother!

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed with tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again"